Post-Jordanism: noun- The artistic (cultural?) movement which began in late 2011. Works within this deal with themes of existential crisis, identity crisis, posttraumatic stress disorder, the state of being broken, intrusive thoughts of (non)existent(?) memory, the morbid preoccupation with suicide, grief, uncontrollable emotion, and darkness as a simple abstract concept. ex. 1: "Kill me."

Friday, April 6, 2012

Man of Concept

Let's start with a definition.

I say I'm a man of concept, as it's a phrase that popped into my head recently, and I've been using it to describe myself ever since. "But what does it mean?" I'll elaborate.

Now, it's no secret that I'm a passionate supporter of the internet. I grew up on the internet; I've been devoted to this thing ever since I was around nine. At the age of ten, I began writing Dark Chao Adventures, which gave me my first real tastes of "HOLY SHIT I'M POPULAR ON THE INTERNET" and of, well.. of being an internet personality. I spent the next few years trying to be popular overall, in real life and on the internet. And when my life took a bit of a drastic turn for isolation, the internet was the only contact I had with culture, with friends, with anything. This was when I was fifteen and a half, in August of 2010. This basically allowed me to concentrate my efforts on the internet.

By the time we reach 2012, I'm barely even a human being anymore. I'm DJay32 first, Jordan Dooling second. Seeing "*hug*" on a screen gives me just as much warmth as actually embracing a human being; I've gone so long without prolonged human contact that I've developed this quirk. I think in text, I find text adorable, I don't even correlate myself as having a face. "The face of Jordan Dooling" is the face of the Rapture protagonist of the same name.

On the flipside, conceptual thinking and philosophies have always been natural for me, and by this point, I completely excel at both. I've become a very particular type of writer, one who is beyond self-aware. As really, I hit "fully self-conscious" in second grade. By this point, I just think of what's best for those around me. But that's not true, is it? I think of what's best for myself, being a conceited human. Maybe both are true. I can switch between entire mindsets with great ease, as it's only a matter of concept for me.

I'm a man of concept because I exist only in concept. Like Weathered Crashes, I was born on the internet. Like the protagonist to Built For Two, I exist in two places at once and have little difficulty switching consciousness between both. Just as there are multiple Jordan Doolings in the fictional Fear Mythos, there are multiple entities within my consciousness.

Reality is a blur to me. A trip to the kitchen is but a fading memory, a temporal dream state to drift through. "The drifting drifter, look into the picture."

Here's a picture for you: I haven't lived a normal day (normal, in this context, meaning "with no suicidal thoughts and/or blatant obfuscations of abuse") since I was thirteen.

I have had years to dwell on the past. I like to think I no longer have one outside of the internet. Jordan Dooling died on August 7th, 2010. At the same time, Jordan Dooling died in mid-November of 2011. That's more of.. he died, but was kept in stasis up until late-2011, where he was brought back just to be murdered once more. DJay32 was born in what, 2003, 2004? And he has kept going strong ever since.

..well, aside from the occasional catatonic breakdown.

"Well, what about your whole 'coat and hat and scarf' deal? You need a body to wear clothes!" This is correct, but my body is just there to complement the concepts. I wear such an iconic costume because I want my appearance to be a symbol, an idea. An appearance is just a means to an end.

What is my end? ...probably "love me" or something. But the longer I go without love, the more I don't need it. But the longer I go without love, the harder it is to not cry. Both statements are 100% true.

I could probably pass as bipolar or as having dissociative identity disorder. But no, I just have complex post-traumatic stress disorder. Not to be confused with regular PTSD, of course. C-PTSD is basically that but for domestic abuse victims.

..I'll stop talking now.

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