What is "Jordan Eats Normally Now?"

Off to the side of this blog, you may spot a gadget referring to itself as my "online resume." On it are a series of links to various works of mine. It's not complete, despite what it may tell you. I don't remember all of my works, and there are bound to be a few I don't even want to share. But in the meantime, I had may as well describe what each link actually links to.

Jordan Eats Normally Now


Way early in the year (around February-ish, I'd say), I was asked by a fellow troper whether I could provide an eldritch abomination for a little project of his. He specifically asked for a "Water Elemental" for something he referred to as simply "A New Mythos." The mythos was to be a mythos of creepypasta and other assorted internet horror featuring an assortment of baddies, and my pal wanted a water-based one.

So I go to the New Mythos thread and throw out five brainstorms for "water elemental" abominations. One of them is a tentacled pondmonster, one is a Victorian-era lady of steam, one is a strange mist in the middle of the desert, one is something that possesses grandfathers, and one is a ten-staged "blog comment virus." I decide to blend two together-- the first and the last.

I have now created an eldritch abomination. But what to call it? For now, it's just called "the Water Elemental." I think for a while, and I discover an oddity in horror: a lot of horror is inspired by heavy metal or folk or just plain rock lyrics, with a lot of the eldritch inspired by the works of H.P. Lovecraft. I set my heart out on being different. I set my heart out on being inspired by progressive rock, and the works of Stephen King and Troy Wagner.

I begin to come up with the inner workings of my beast, crafting the details of the "ten-stage blog virus," merging it with the tentacled pond-monster. I look into what could possibly be more original than tentacles in a pond, and I find out through a fellow troper that many fungi have "string"-like extensions that are similar in appearance to tentacles. I decide to make my Water Elemental a sort of eldritch fungus. ..that expels ink.

You see, the Water Elemental works by "eating" the water in a body of liquid and replacing it all with its "ink." Its ink looks exactly like water and tastes exactly like it, but if it happens to "eat" all the water in your body (70% water!)? Welcome to the hive mind, bitch. Welcome to her hive mind.

Welcome back, my friends, to the show that never ends.


I still need a name, though. So I open up my music library and take a look at some of the most progressive stuff I have. I spot two names: Genesis' "The Battle of Epping Forest" and Emerson, Lake & Palmer's "Tarkus." I start throwing brainstorms out there. "The Pond Epper?" Not quite. "The Epping Tarkus?" Close, but something's missing. ...then I remember the seventh movement of "Tarkus:" Aquatarkus.

"The Epping AquaTarkus." Say hello to EAT.

My colleagues love it. "EAT." It sounds so evil.
But it's not evil. It's patient, it's growing, and it's not of this world, but it's not evil.
It's perfect. But also learning. Learning about us.

Now I just need a story.

What's wrong with most blog horror stories? They're obviously fake; the protagonist has a couple of normal entries before "OMG SLENDER MAN." The prose is too.. formal; if a character meets and has a lengthy discussion with someone or something, when they get home that night, they will recount every single detail of the conversation word-for-word. They're hard to follow if using multiple media; EverymanHYBRID is the perfect offender of this, with several blogs and YouTube channels and Twitters that require multiple timelines just to follow accurately.

To remedy the first problem, I decide to use a blog I'd been keeping since age twelve. Originally titled DJay32's Paper Dimension, renamed Jordan, Large But Not in Charge, and then finally (coincidentally) renamed Jordan Eats Normally Now, this blog has as realistic of a backlog as it gets; it really is real.

To remedy the second problem, I make sure my protagonist omits a lot of information and is as unreliable and untalkative about his life as it gets. If he has a discussion with someone in the day, he'll go home to blog and either give a rough recollection of events or not mention it at all.

To remedy the third problem, I make sure all external media is captured in screenshot/link and posted on the main blog. If a new reader were to read only the blog, they would therefore get the whole story, despite many videos being uploaded to YouTube and other blogs being involved.

Now, what about the story?

I decide to take my "blog virus" concept and have that be the catalyst. The rest will be synopsed right now.

Overture:
Jordan Dooling used to frequent a blog titled Progression Enhanced that analyzed and broke down prog albums. Then he stopped, only to come back several months later to find the blog removed. Through a fellow frequenter, he's provided with saved screenshots of every entry, revealing the first pieces to a puzzle Jordan begins to wish he'd never attempted solving.

Movement I- Investigative Implications:
Jordan receives an anonymous email citing a nearby address. This is an abandoned house-- abandoned, that is, other than the blogger behind Progression Enhanced. As he investigates, he discovers a series of experimental videos, and a second blog that seems to have suffered the same fate as Progression, the biggest link being the final comment by "The Camper."

Movement II- The Camper House:
Jordan discovers a third blog that has fallen victim to "The Camper:" The Topography of Thought. This one only raises more questions. Continuing his investigation of the mysterious house, Jordan tries bringing his brother along, only for things to get quite a bit more serious than either could have predicted.

Movement III- Topographic Silence:
After the surprising new events, Jordan is left alone in stunned confusion. Old blogs are reawakened, developments increase exponentially in terms of crypticness, and Jordan begins the slow descent into losing his sanity-- as well as his blog!

Movement IV- Doors Open Wide:
Jordan's sanity is hanging by threads at this point, and yet unfortunately, it's got a lot further to go. The only things certain in this movement are that insanity is painful, and the unknown doesn't care about your past.

Movement V- Regressional Performance:
Jordan's on the run from The Camper, and he thinks he can still save his sanity while he's at it. But the better question is, can he save his brother? Can he save himself?


(Epilogue)


That's the whole story, right there. I worked hard on it for a good eleven months, and with the end of it came the end of an era.