Number One

Speaking of addiction, self-deprication is itself an addiction. I remember why I tend to ignore this blog-- it is filled with much of that. I guess I needed to go through that phase? But it's one of the hardest habits to break.

The stories I wrote when I was younger are fine, actually. People followed me because people are sweet, and because honestly I have a sort of unique perspective on the world. (Not *strictly* unique, there are many others who share my perspective on things. But circumstances led me to believe myself an outsider to the circles of culture wherever I ended up. I would learn and behave from that baseline.)

When I was younger, I associated bitter cynicism with people who were cooler than me. By definition, I associated it with the "in" crowd of culture. This was a factor in my seeking to adopt and explore it when I grew older.

But, man, jeez. I've come back where I started. Bitter cynicism *is* the "in" crowd; I wasn't mistaken there. It is the fastest-acting social adhesive (making it the first outlet people think to use, making it look like the "natural state" or "objective fact") and also the least naturally stable (it *by nature* erodes connections, making it require constant and relentless re-application if a culture truly wants it to be their adhesive).

Cynicism is the cheap glue of culture: it is the *easiest* solution to any hard question, and it is the most costly to maintain over time. Maintenance is endless, and you will *always* have to apply a fresh coat. The scam is in convincing ourselves that we won't be any better off simply washing it off and trying a better glue.

Cynicism is naivety.

Even hedonism better functions.

So fuck it. I am who I am, and the way to ensure "who I am" gets any better is to let myself be. I'm not stagnant this way; every day, I wake up with a slightly different set of emotional baselines, I wake up a slightly different person; over time, "who I am" will naturally change. Vigilant self-micromanaging will only offset these natural changes and seek back to some imaginary (cynical) "greater baseline" for reference. That's Hell. That is the classical, ancient, metaphysical image of cyclical Hell.

I'm doing alright with myself. I'm old enough to understand that now.

Be, Hold

Yeah, I don't know how to fully account for what has happened to the rest of my decade. The short answer is "I got hooked on weed and this caused problems." "But marijuana isn't addictive," you say. "Someone must already have the predilection for substance abuse in order to get addicted to it." Well, there you go. I'm not exactly proud of it.

In September 2021, I consciously gave it up. Long story behind how I managed to do that. It is November now and I have not broken that sobriety. I am gathering the pieces of my life and of my brain. My problems weren't only drug-related; I was drawn to substance abuse by deeper factors, and it is hard to address them. But I am aware of them.

It's not impossible to interpret and even figure out what I am choosing not to say here. I leave that open, out of respect for myself. I need to respect myself, and in new ways.

You don't have to believe me, but the day of creation is soon at hand. I guess I don't have to believe me either. But I really, really want this to be the case.

I am Jordan. It's actually a pretty cool name, now that I'm looking at it. I am Jordan! I am DJay! I had given up, and I'm still here! Nothing is unrecoverable! I just need to try! I am Jordan, and DJay is my mask! I like to wear it, it is not a disguise! See the frayed edges of sanity fall off like dead skin as a better layer finds the sun! I am alive!