Number One

Speaking of addiction, self-deprication is itself an addiction. I remember why I tend to ignore this blog-- it is filled with much of that. I guess I needed to go through that phase? But it's one of the hardest habits to break.

The stories I wrote when I was younger are fine, actually. People followed me because people are sweet, and because honestly I have a sort of unique perspective on the world. (Not *strictly* unique, there are many others who share my perspective on things. But circumstances led me to believe myself an outsider to the circles of culture wherever I ended up. I would learn and behave from that baseline.)

When I was younger, I associated bitter cynicism with people who were cooler than me. By definition, I associated it with the "in" crowd of culture. This was a factor in my seeking to adopt and explore it when I grew older.

But, man, jeez. I've come back where I started. Bitter cynicism *is* the "in" crowd; I wasn't mistaken there. It is the fastest-acting social adhesive (making it the first outlet people think to use, making it look like the "natural state" or "objective fact") and also the least naturally stable (it *by nature* erodes connections, making it require constant and relentless re-application if a culture truly wants it to be their adhesive).

Cynicism is the cheap glue of culture: it is the *easiest* solution to any hard question, and it is the most costly to maintain over time. Maintenance is endless, and you will *always* have to apply a fresh coat. The scam is in convincing ourselves that we won't be any better off simply washing it off and trying a better glue.

Cynicism is naivety.

Even hedonism better functions.

So fuck it. I am who I am, and the way to ensure "who I am" gets any better is to let myself be. I'm not stagnant this way; every day, I wake up with a slightly different set of emotional baselines, I wake up a slightly different person; over time, "who I am" will naturally change. Vigilant self-micromanaging will only offset these natural changes and seek back to some imaginary (cynical) "greater baseline" for reference. That's Hell. That is the classical, ancient, metaphysical image of cyclical Hell.

I'm doing alright with myself. I'm old enough to understand that now.

Be, Hold

Yeah, I don't know how to fully account for what has happened to the rest of my decade. The short answer is "I got hooked on weed and this caused problems." "But marijuana isn't addictive," you say. "Someone must already have the predilection for substance abuse in order to get addicted to it." Well, there you go. I'm not exactly proud of it.

In September 2021, I consciously gave it up. Long story behind how I managed to do that. It is November now and I have not broken that sobriety. I am gathering the pieces of my life and of my brain. My problems weren't only drug-related; I was drawn to substance abuse by deeper factors, and it is hard to address them. But I am aware of them.

It's not impossible to interpret and even figure out what I am choosing not to say here. I leave that open, out of respect for myself. I need to respect myself, and in new ways.

You don't have to believe me, but the day of creation is soon at hand. I guess I don't have to believe me either. But I really, really want this to be the case.

I am Jordan. It's actually a pretty cool name, now that I'm looking at it. I am Jordan! I am DJay! I had given up, and I'm still here! Nothing is unrecoverable! I just need to try! I am Jordan, and DJay is my mask! I like to wear it, it is not a disguise! See the frayed edges of sanity fall off like dead skin as a better layer finds the sun! I am alive!

What's EATing Jordan Dooling?

To put a long story short, I can't handle this. Communication right now would be, no pun intended, suicide. Let me do it for you. Let me take that burden off your shoulders, just as I've had to take everything so far. Stunted growth to shoot birds in the clouds.

Arbitrary.

Why can't I think?

AAAAAAAA (Cycle of A's)

. wd .ei

JordanAAAAA /English tll ?

JordaneiAAAAA /English /Jordan
Fuck you for wanting it.

/JJoorrddaannVVVVVVVV

... AAAAA? AAAAAJordan|

. = /Jordan.

things

Here is how I have been, in video:

I acted in The Good, The Bad, and The Hungry, playing the part of Anton. I also contributed to the editing process.

I have been hard at work on a series called Hobo Who, which I wrote and have been trying to significantly help produce. These two videos are a part of a somewhat separate series titled Hobo Who Confidential, which labels itself as the making of the eponymous series (which is not even out yet) but, in practice, functions more like that of a post-Surrealist skit series.

..wow, for once I used a term like "post-Surrealist" correctly and with no pretense behind it beyond description. I'm proud of myself.

Other than that, I've been down the worst paths of my life (and I keep topping that) as well as the best paths of my life (thankfully also topping that).

Hello.

I'm still alive

As Eddie Vedder would say.

Got another secret project in the works, one I should be able to announce sometime before Christmas then release sometime after. I'm "working" for R'N'D Media now, which is basically a bunch of friends in a big garage with surprisingly versatile filming equipment. I see a lot of potential in this project, potential not just for aesthetic quality and stuff I've never been able to do before, but potential for telling an interesting story. A story with a big heart and a lot of absurd comedy.

So we'll see what I can say about that as time goes by.

Vote Saxophone.

DJay32, a Retrospective (9): The Era of Better Stories and Secret Projects

So a while back I made some shitty retrospective blog entries going through all the stories I'd made through my childhood and pretty much glorifying the damn things. I was annoying. I probably still am. But the idea of keeping track of where I've been and how far I've come still sounds important so let's make another installment of that.

The Era of Better Stories and Secret Projects

The Start of Topography Genera, and More Goddamn Blogs

After I finished Jordan Eats, what I wanted to do next was expand upon some EAT-related ideas I had as well as find a way to explain the damn Fear in a better context. So I brainstormed a bit and came up with the idea of Topography Genera Center East, some sort of "organization documents Fears"-type shtick. But I didn't have it in me to do it alone, so I contacted a fellow Fearblogger known as alliterator to see if he'd be up for helping me out.

Yeah, I saved the damn PM. Screenshot'd the sucker, I was that happy. alliterator's a big name in the mythos.

Anyway, we set up a private space to plan the story out and, over the course of some months, decided it'd be the kind of story that had a fuckton of sideblogs. So we started Topography Genera Center North, Testing in Progress, Administry for a Cause, The Supernatural Anaesthetist, The Machine Gospels, Tale of the Lost Vikings, Hell and Earth, Hymn From Proserpine, Secret Mysteries, The Endless Obsession, Otso: Genus Unknown, and then there was HELP which was discontinued pretty quickly. We also came up with a fictional prog band called Sunsetters whose music would come up in the story at some point. There's also a lot of voice acting and some videos somewhere in the making.

Point is, this story's long and it's still ongoing, so I guess we'll say this is another one of those "Era Arc" things.

The "More Goddamn Blogs" Part

Outside of Topography Genera, I decided to write a shitton more so I wrote Where My Eyes Remain to try my hand at a slenderblog. That wound up getting pretty popular in the Slender Man Mythos, even netting me a guest part on the Slender Nation Podcast. One of the highlights of my sad life.

There was also Built For Two, some empty story with a lot of vague philosophical exercises. This got surprisingly popular, dunno why when I look back. Another story I wrote at some point was Harlequin Metropolis, which took the plot of Dream Theater's Metropolis, pt. 2: Scenes from a Memory and told it so it didn't suck. I'll admit, this is a point where I don't think I'm overglorifying myself-- Metropolis's story is pretty damn bad and not that hard to fix.

The End of Dark Chao Adventures

Around March/April of 2012, I got fed up of DCA being on hiatus and I brought it back just in time to write an EAT-focused ending. I'm still kinda happy with that. I ended DCA by putting all the characters through eternal torture. You could say it was my attempt at coping with a shitty life. That's a running theme in this retrospective.

The point is, DCA lasted eight years and eight seasons and it's done now and this Era Arc can finally end, thank fuck. Nobody reads the damn story, it was an exercise in self-indulgent futility. It was a proggasm in writing format.

OH GOD THE RAPTURE IS BURNING Drags On

All this time, I'm writing more of the Rapture Logs. We're in Act III here, the first half, the shitty half. I get cocky, I have no idea what to do with myself, I just write and bask in the undeserved popularity.

More Goddamn Blogs II: Trouble in Tokyo

In comes an idea to perfect the self-indulgent wankery: Let's make a big crossover between DCA, Topography Genera, and Rapture! So I make PLAN 31: CLOSE ENCOUNTER OF THE SOCK KIND. It actually turned out pretty okay. Had some decent jokes in it. Invented Theodore Quiet and Frank Slenderman, Ace Attorney. I'm happy with it.

Then I make Fearblog of Fear, Dreams and Sleep and Fear after a conversation with SlendySlayer. Make about eight posts of decent "Let's make fun of bad blogging conventions" humour. I let it drag on a bit with crappypasta-style adventuring before just giving up.

Oh yeah, and then there was Plush. This was an idea to make an entirely fictional Wiki about some fictional video game that was gonna have, like, Fears and shit. Didn't get far. Gave up.

Some of my creepypasta appeared in Faces, Strange and Secret: An Anthology of Stories from the Fear Mythos, so that was pretty cool.

Really, this was the part where I started college and got something resembling a life. At the same time, I got a girlfriend and lost her within months for reasons I still do not know. And I got therapy for my life only for the therapist to end up being like "Instead of helping you in particular, let me help your entire family get better!" So that happened and I'm happy it happened but still I was left without substantial help. My life hit a really strange time.

OH GOD THE RAPTURE IS BURNING Gets Good, Ends, Gets Better, Gets Downloadable

As I'm in college, I keep adding to Rapture until it gets to the point where Act IV suddenly becomes 168,000 words alone. I start taking it seriously and I'm really happy with how it ended up. When it was over, I went through it with SlendySlayer a few times and edited it into a final draft and released it as a free downloadable PDF. So there's a happy ending for this. Even if it often feels like the community had faked its enthusiasm for it this whole time and as soon as they revealed that they just gave up on me altogether. But I still get readers through Tumblr and stuff so that'll do for me. Happy ending!

A Bunch of Secret Projects Begin

One of the people I met through TVTropes, a Finnish woman known as Rappu, turns out to be a great friend and a great artist so we talk about stuff and start a secret project. That really picked up steam sometime after Rapture ended. We'll see where that goes. In the meantime, Rappu winds up teaching me a lot about being a decent person and not falling into the cultural obsession with romance, then she goes and teaches me all kinds of things I didn't think I'd learn for another several years. All in all, progress goes better than expected.

Then there's Bones, who was one of my best friends back in America. We keep in touch, and one day he proposes another secret project, and over the course of several months we put some substantial progress towards that. We'll see how that goes too.

A Few More Blogs For Good Measure

Around the end of my college year, I write one more blog called Benefits which was like Built For Two but with a tiny bit more actual substance. Except instead of being a philosophical exercise, this one's an emotional exercise. Reception's quiet, generally favourable.

I bring back Fearblog of Fear and make some more posts for it. It's still kinda dead, though.

One day after finishing Rapture, I brainstorm a ton for a potential sequel, and then I decide to go through with it and start writing Rapture: A Book of Names. This one will probably get an "Era Arc," but for now let's just leave it be.

Then Some Other Stuff That Happened

I write the Fear Mythos series bible and shit. I do a bunch of mediocre Let's Plays. I read a lot of books. I start my second year of college before having the biggest regression I've ever had and starting an unnecessarily long journey of self-reflection and unhappiness.

That's where we are now, as a matter of fact. I'm riding out my regression, doubting myself a ton, trying to make myself feel better, and trying in what hopefully isn't vain to sort my life out.

Thus ends the Era of Better Stories and Secret Projects. What lies in store for the future? Eh, let's hope for something big and unexpected.

How Life is Going!

Oh yeah, this is my OOG blog, isn't it? Well, let me give you followers an update (how on earth did I get twelve?).

Firstly.

OH GOD THE RAPTURE IS BURNING is done and out and a downloadable 1100-page PDF! Click that link for the download location thing! SlendySlayer did a grand job helping me edit it, and she's actually the one who organized the PDF itself and just seriously check that thing out. She did well.

Over 400,000 words. At least 85 pictures by seven different artists. More art coming soon.


NOW, what about what else is happening in my life?

I'm in college, for those who don't know, getting my GCSEs. Which.. are the British equivalent of a 10th grade education, really. Easy stuff for me, I just haven't properly been to school since.. what, 2010? So now that I have the chance I want this. I'll be taking my exams next week.
Yeah, I'm not worried.
I could go on with stories of how well I did in the classes themselves. Science, I was flying through tests faster than anyone else, getting some of the highest scores on them. Math, I was one of those kids who usually knew the right answer and people deferred to. Psychology, whenever I even showed up, my teacher generally loved me. English?
Oh god, English.
Is it any surprise to you guys that English is what I'm pursuing A-levels in next year, that English was the only class I did all my homework in, that English was a class I helped my teacher teach when she got too tired of our class, that English was the class where the lowest grade I got on anything was a B (and that was once and a half), and that almost everything I wrote for English class was shown to examiners and other teachers?

..but anyway. What is my plan for this summer? Well, I plan on playing much Rock Band (been slacking off on that, will get back into it when I get my copy of Green Day: Rock Band). I'll probably write stuff here and there. I'll hang out with friends. I'll see if I can get the Otso vlog running more.
Y'know, nothing big.
Oh, and I'm going back to Finland. :D For probably closer to six weeks this time. I'll talk more about this as we get closer to the date. Because goodness, I do want to talk about that. But for now, Jordanilla on päänsärky!

OKAY LET ME TALK MORE ABOUT WRITING

There's Fearblog of Fear, which is shifting into more of an actual plot with some semblance of depth.
There's Benefits, which is my way of making sense of why the hell I smoke now. Going pretty well.
There's Topography Genera, which is.. inching along as usual. Just gotta get video elements up.
Oh, and PLAN 31: RISE OF MCFEAR. My love letter to the Ace Attorney series. Writing that requires me being in a specific mood, though, so its updates will come in waves.
And then there's stories I'm not ready to post or announce yet! One of those stories is a blogpasta that's taking me an annoyingly long time to write, much trickier than other stuff I've written, but when it's ready it'll also have a bit of art to blow people's minds. Another one of those is my love letter to Omega's Mephi while doubling as a post-Rapture story, still in the brainstorming stages because it's the kind of story that I can't afford to blindly jump into. Another one of those is relaaaated to the blogpasta project but will not be ready for reveal for a long long time, a multi-person project that is unlike anything I've ever done.
And, of course, there's the usual Rapture secret project Rappu and I are working on, which is back to the forefront now that the PDF's out. That's one of the biggest reasons I go to Finland in the first place. But again, I'll talk about all this stuff later.

I've also been reading many books! There's Tolstoy's Anna Karenina which I am in love with though it seems to be talking more about horses than I really care about. What I loved-- well, one of the many things I loved-- about War and Peace was its sheer diversity of genre. It covered so many things. Anna Karenina is much more reserved, focusing on a smaller amount of things. And it's a little hit-or-miss with me in that regard.
I'm also reading Franz Kafka's The Trial, which I'm finding really interesting. It sounds vaguely metaphorical and I eat that stuff right up.
And then there's James Joyce's Finnegans Wake, which... is like an oasis I skirt along every now and then, not yet ready to dive headfirst in, but I dip my feet in every once in a while and it makes me feel giddy and in love with everything. When I've had more experience dipping into these oases, I will go deep-sea diving into the Wake.
Then I have a lot of books I will read when I'm not reading all these others. King's IT (I'm getting close to the end kinda), Tolkien's The Hobbit (ugh I do not like his prose but I keep telling people I'll read this stuff), Eliot's Middlemarch (got it on a whim, looks interesting!), Joyce's A Portrait of the Artist as a Young Man (also looks interesting and like it will help me understand Ulysses when I eventually get to that), Homer's The Iliad (it's interesting, I just put it on hold a long time ago), Adams' Watership Down (Rappu recommended it, she usually suggests things I end up loving, will get to it), Pratchett's Guards! Guards! (a Discworld book everyone recommends, excited to read it), and Pratchett's Reaper Man (looked interesting!).

Sooo I got a lot. And as I said at some point earlier, I ordered Green Day: Rock Band, and I'm excited to play it. Been getting into Green Day recently, and I'd intended on getting the game eventually as I just plain love everything Harmonix makes.

SO YEAH